Stickin' it to the Man

Vandalism is something that everyone enjoys and loves. It's a way of claiming ownership of random things, ie. "This table is mine" or "Back off! This is MY wall!" It's always best to take a hostile position, perhaps calling people things like a goblin, a horseface, a gerbil or a baboon. Or, get even more creative! How about calling someone a spork-pidgled lemon? Or, even a groanst?

Raccoons have recently discovered a highly effective way of producing attractive and snappy vandalism in a quick, easy-to-carry-around form. By purchasing a pack of blank "sticker sheets" from your local office supply store, you can construct your own snarky comments paired with hilarious drawings to post on objects, walls and windows everywhere you go. Drawn with permanent marker and armed with a super-sticky adhesive backing, these stickers have lasted for months outdoors! Even when some jerk tries to scrape them off (no easy task, I promise) you can bask in the satisfaction of knowing that you successfully bothered someone and made their day a little more annoying (or, blannoying, as we Raccoons say).
The ideal targets are the morally elevated ones - the children, the mothers, the veterans, the hospitals, the sick and dying, and so forth. These will make your best targets of witty vandalism stickers because everyone will be upset.

Here are some fun examples for sticker slogans:

"Hey Kids! Talk Back to Mommy!" (accompanied by drawing of child screaming something like "FUCK YOU MOM!") - Best if posted on fence of children's playground or daycare centre, where age of children is that of being able to sound out new, exciting words. Consider using bright colour and images of toys to attract the eyesight of small children.

Someone's gottta take a stand

Those are just a few suggestions. Another good idea is to use the sticker sheets to print out corporate logos such as that of Canada Post (available for some strange reason on the internet...presumably for the purpose of creating vandalism), and create official looking messages that say things like, "This mailbox no longer accepts mail". This clearly opens a world of exciting possibilities.


One final point for this Raccoonist venture: things are funnier when you can watch people reacting negatively to your handiwork. So linger about. Perhaps you will get lucky and witness a group of centarian veterans approaching your sticker that proclaims, "Veterans? More like Schpleterans!" Enjoy.

Raccoonist Kids Korner

The Raccoonists have a fun new
winter activity! Throwing snow at this stupid statue.




We don't do it because we hate vainglorious public monuments (although we do hate them), we pelt this monstrosity with snow because it looks cool when it's struck.
Also hitting it with a chunk of ice produces a nice sound. And it's a great alternative to throwing ice and snow at your loved ones! AND aiming at particular parts of the statue(the face) is a great way to improve hand-eye coordination.



In conclusion we strongly encourage people to throw snow at idiotic public monuments.
It's fun, easy, and a great way to keep fit.

The Smash

Without making generalizations that characterize everyone on the planet, it is fairly evident that a significant portion of the population is possessed by an unfounded arrogance that drives them to ignore their minor obligations to the people around them. This is evident when one witnesses people selfishly consuming common space that is essential to the mobility of others. For example, you may find yourself on a sidewalk with a number of people walking towards you in a lateral formation. They don't seem to make space for you because that would disrupt their own dynamic (whether said dynamic is formed by an ongoing conversation or some sort of longstanding hierarchy amongst friends) and they march forward with placid expressions, refusing to make space. Possibly you are trying to enter a building through an entrance way blocked by some statue of a human holding an insipid conversation with someone while they stand half-alive under the arch of the doorway. Emily Post's putrid cadaver advises us to politely wait for these people to move from our path (which, under these circumstances is the only path, and it's completely blocked) and express your moral indignation with a disapproving glance at the inconsiderate as they finally pass by or through you. Raccoonists have a different set of tactics for dealing with such arrogance.

Behaviour such as that mentioned above should be corrected - with extreme prejudice, by anyone who observes it and identifies it as wrong! This is Raccoonist policy! We will not stand by in a vacant pose waiting for some airhead to finish their conversation so we can pass once they notice people are waiting. We will not scramble around into the street traffic while a line of idiots staring into their cell-phone screens advances on us without noticing our presence. These people, of course have a right to some of the sidewalk or to pass through a doorway, but to occupy the entire space of the sidewalk or doorway - or other spaces considered common to all, without respecting others use of such space, is pure arrogance. This is why in certain situations Racconists smash people out of their way. We extend our elbows outwards while walking as a signal to the oncoming menace that we will assert our right to use the common space. We will not press ourselves against the edge for the benefit of an inconsiderate mass of shambling zombies.

Yes! We have caused discomfort, embarrassment, pain! It is necessary for us to bash others with our elbows and backpacks, otherwise we will have to bear the shame of yielding what meager space we occupy to...jerks! We do not deliberately get into the path of people to strike them, we wait until our space is encroached upon, and then we do what we must to protect it. We've knocked cell-phones and cigarettes from people's hands and we don't care! Whoever is struck deserves it! We know the law! That law is RACCOONISM!

Celebrity Smackdown

Thanks to the modern trends which are developing globally over the internet, namely online networks such as Myspace, we are now able to gain access to people we would never normally meet. This proves exceedingly useful when harassing people. Also, there are many celebrity musicians who use Myspace (for it's originally intended use). While in reality these people would be difficult to approach, on myspace they are put on a more or less level playing field as the rest of the "jerks", as they are frequently referred to.

Thus, even the lowliest urchin can insult or suck up to these celebrity icons. Often they will not respond unless it is positive, but occasionally you would be surprised at the responses you will get.

Below is an ongoing conversation between the Raccoons and a Canadian Pop Star named Chantal Kreviazuk.

Chantal---
I never knew....thank God that PINK uses her voice in more ways than one.
Current mood:nauseated
Category: upset and disturbed
I always thought that I was safe wearing sheeps wool....that no one got "hurt..." I thought that it was so much better than wearing leather, or god forbid, fur.
This is a very important statemtent by Pink, and I applaud her for bringing a voice to innocent animals who cannot speak for themselves.
Please go to this link, and educate yourself as I was educated tonight.
http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/pink_wool_video?source=stspinkblogadgossip&c=stspinkblogadgossip
Let's truly bring some "peace" to the world this holiday season.

Raccoons---
"Yeah, thanks for bringing this up Channy! You are a doll.
On another note, there was a study done recently that said that most of the cotton we get is actually made from ground up orphanes and big eyed puppies produced in soot spewing factories run by brawny Russian capitalist pigs.
Your life is not a complete joke, don't listen to the critics! Keep on whining!
--The Raccoon society

Chantal---
I guess this is meant to be mean spirited and hurtful?
If so, that is sad that you actually took the time to make a page so to have an outlet for your jealousy and bitterness.
I wish you happiness at some point - life is so short and incredible, do try to find the beauty. It is simply about accepting your lot in life.
best
chantal k

Chantal---

Surrounded with a story...
As many of you may or may not know, my song Surrounded which I wrote for my first album was written about the loss of a a young man named Samuel, whom I treasure. He was just 20 years old when he died and the circumstances of his death were very tragic and disturbing. I have had maybe three or four vivid dreams since his death 15 years ago and this morning was one of those times.

He came to me in my dream at peace with himself and I woke up feeling almost as if he had truly come to tell me that everything was alright with him now. Of course while walking downstairs for my morning coffee I reconciled with the fact that this was all mathematics and physics and that somehow my brain decided to manifest my subconscious mind at that moment via the dream. While my coffee was percolating, I opened my iBook and clicked on my first email and it was a link to this video which you also can watch, a choral choir singing my song about Samuel. I guess it wasn't math after all. Thanks for the visit Samuel, it was good to spend time with you again.

Raccoons---
"Channy, when I read your story my eyeballs swelled to the size of oranges with tears (I have a rare medical condition which causes this to happen whenever I cry). It is amazing how the spirits of the past are able to act so directly in our lives, like sending emails. Truly incredible. Your story is an inspiration to everyone down here at the shelter, especially the little ones, in particular the ones with high fevers. As we lie together in our communal bed of rags and filth, the only thing which gives us reason to keep living is the thought of hearing your next big single. Sincerely, your eteranal admirers."

Chantal---
you're just so pissed off.
Sorry that things are not working out for you.
best
ck

Chantal---
glad to see you have 3 friends!!!
errr, one of them is you?
Don't worry!!!!
The species will take note eventually...with such a rockin sense of humour!! You are sure to be a "hit" amongst many!
best
ck

Response-Raccoons

Thanks for noticing my stunning sense of humour, my only real fault is being so darn good at everything. But I'm sure you can look past that. Also I'm glad your glad I have 3 friends. I may just be a simple country raccoon, but I can tell an attemped swipe at my honour when I see it. So I took a peek at your friends list, and the vast majority of them don't have you in their top 8 places, where as every single one of my friends has me on theirs. I doubt most of your "friends" have even met or talked to you. I think YOU are just jealous of me, and my great looks. For that I pity you.
Best
DG

P.S. I love your music

As you can see, this is a lot of fun.

Links for This Week

01 Important Terms for Transhumanists and Futurists (podcast)
02 Atheists are America's Most Mistrusted Minority
03 Comet Between Fireworks and Lightning
04 Lingua Franca: The Language of Airheads (podcast)
05 Architectures of Control in Design: Packet Switching
06 Wired News: Fake Holograms a 3-D Crime Wave
07 The Deadly Nature of "Non-Lethal" Weapons
08 'Fence Plowing' is Latest Teen Craze
09 Doctor Snuggles
10 Coloured Icicles in West Virginia
11 Galaxies Away
12 Mysterious Lights Over Phoenix, Again
13 Russian Fisherman Catch Squeaking Alien, and Eat It
14 Robot Exoskeleton Replaces Muscle Work
15 New Universes Will be Born From Ours
16 Taller than the Eiffel Tower
17 Dr. Hau: Light and Matter
18 One Reason why Power Corrupts
19 Lunar Eclipse: March 3, 2007
20 Google Video: Jesus Camp

Name transplants

As raccoons move from the woodlands to the cities, certain adaptations must be made to keep life interesting. A good way of mixing things up in everyday adventure is to tamper with place/street names. This serves several useful purposes, and it is easy!

How this technique can make life more interesting is easy to demonstrate: see how boring old First Street can become the exciting new Blurst Street or alternativly Schmerst Street or Grerst Feet.

The same principle can be applied to the stale names which are used over and over again for some of the worlds most celebrated pronouns. Eiffel Tower = Stifle Glower. Ronal Reagan = Spronald Spreygan. New York = Stew Pork (The Pig Chapple). And Pope = Dope.

This can be difficult to get the hang of at first, but with practice it will become an addictive habit which you can no longer control. Here are some pointers:

Use real words whenever possible as your replacements, body parts work well: Queen Elizabeth becomes Spleen Elizawiff (this not only distorts the subject, but it also implies that the queen has a flatulence problem, ideal).

Don’t be afraid to improvise and experiment, and don’t be deterred by failed attempts.

If you can’t find a good replacement word, these easy to use prefixes will work in virtually every situation: Bl- Schm- Gr- and many others. Try it out with the word bones!

Unless in the company of experienced Raccoonists, it may be recommended to use the original word or phrase in direct comparison to the alteration.

Example: person 1 “Wanna go chuck rocks?”
Person 2 “chuck rocks, or chuck clocks?”

This technique is also good for getting around conventional regulations.

Example: person 1 “Don’t forget your biohazard suit”
Person 2 “Biohazard suit schmiohazard suit, that’s what I say bitch!”

For the City of Ottawa, many of the streets have already undergone extensive renameing: Elgin-Smellgin, Bank-Wank, Laurier-Boreier, Rideau-Speedo, Sparks-Sharks, and Bronson-Splonson. Along with many stores: Zellers-Smellers, Canadian Tire-Canadian Lire, Wall Mart-Small Fart, and Loblaws-BlahBlahs.

Yes, the smorld is a blinteresting place munce glagain fanks to these snappy word transplants.

Links for Today

01 In Our Time: Genghis Khan (podcast)
02 Newspapers Search for Web Headline Magic
03 Station Z (Britain: Bombproof Building in which an Emergency Government would set up when
the official government had been completely destroyed)
04 Back to the Elements - An Urban Campfire
05 'Portholes' over The Lifeway Building in Nashville Tennessee. US.
06 The Hensel Twins.

Interesting Links for Feb 2, 2007

01 Lavender Oils Feminize Boys
02 Growing up in the GWOT
03Watching the clouds float by on Mars
04 Woman With Golden Arm Points to Sugical Breakthrough
05 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fanatic (video)
06 Witch Doctor Orders Death of LA Snow-Cone Man
07 Paragliding Girl Attacked by Eagles
08 Adult Swin Bomb Scare Press Conference (Video) (PRIORITY!)