Name transplants

As raccoons move from the woodlands to the cities, certain adaptations must be made to keep life interesting. A good way of mixing things up in everyday adventure is to tamper with place/street names. This serves several useful purposes, and it is easy!

How this technique can make life more interesting is easy to demonstrate: see how boring old First Street can become the exciting new Blurst Street or alternativly Schmerst Street or Grerst Feet.

The same principle can be applied to the stale names which are used over and over again for some of the worlds most celebrated pronouns. Eiffel Tower = Stifle Glower. Ronal Reagan = Spronald Spreygan. New York = Stew Pork (The Pig Chapple). And Pope = Dope.

This can be difficult to get the hang of at first, but with practice it will become an addictive habit which you can no longer control. Here are some pointers:

Use real words whenever possible as your replacements, body parts work well: Queen Elizabeth becomes Spleen Elizawiff (this not only distorts the subject, but it also implies that the queen has a flatulence problem, ideal).

Don’t be afraid to improvise and experiment, and don’t be deterred by failed attempts.

If you can’t find a good replacement word, these easy to use prefixes will work in virtually every situation: Bl- Schm- Gr- and many others. Try it out with the word bones!

Unless in the company of experienced Raccoonists, it may be recommended to use the original word or phrase in direct comparison to the alteration.

Example: person 1 “Wanna go chuck rocks?”
Person 2 “chuck rocks, or chuck clocks?”

This technique is also good for getting around conventional regulations.

Example: person 1 “Don’t forget your biohazard suit”
Person 2 “Biohazard suit schmiohazard suit, that’s what I say bitch!”

For the City of Ottawa, many of the streets have already undergone extensive renameing: Elgin-Smellgin, Bank-Wank, Laurier-Boreier, Rideau-Speedo, Sparks-Sharks, and Bronson-Splonson. Along with many stores: Zellers-Smellers, Canadian Tire-Canadian Lire, Wall Mart-Small Fart, and Loblaws-BlahBlahs.

Yes, the smorld is a blinteresting place munce glagain fanks to these snappy word transplants.