Raccoonist Psycholinguistics

Raccoonists are experts in psycholinguists. To a member, we are intimately familiar with Noam Chomsky's theories about propaganda in the media. So when a we see a news item, we don't see it at face value, we deconstruct it.

Today, American president George Bush hosted Malaria Awareness day. http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/nation/ny-usbush0426,0,3612823.story?coll=ny-leadnationalnews-headlines

Pay special attention to the video.

Why did the most powerful man in the free world make himself look completely ridiculous in public? Did he think to himself "Michael Moore is going to make a few more movies about how bad I am, so I'd better make sure there are some funny videos for him to put in." Plausible, but unlikely.

The true reason is the same reason why someone who's committed a crime intentionally acts crazy. They can avoid being held accountable for their crime if they lack the mental capacity to understand it. If George Bush is too stupid to have orchestrated all the crimes his administration has committed, then he can't be held accountable for them. No one really believes he decided to invade Iraq, because videos like this convince us that he's too stupid to know where Iraq is. They pulled off the same scheme with Ronald Reagan; as long as people think he's an affable moron, they don't hold him accountable for his crimes.

Every time someone makes a joke about how stupid George Bush is, they are unwittingly helping with the master plan to avoid responsibility. Even his harshest critics call him incompetent, rather than evil.

He may not be a genius, but he knew what he was doing. He's a bad man who's done terrible things for the worst reasons, and all the videos of him acting like an idiot won't change that.

Heed the Call

A Raccoonist(s?) had recently applied for a Bike Courier job with Ottawa's alleged largest employer of bicycle couriers, Quick Messenger Services (or is it Quick Buisness Services? Both phrases appear as corperate names on their website). Anyways, for the interview I spoke with the pudgy, bland-faced quick-talkin' hardnosed stereotype of a small time buisnessman who apparently acts as president of the company. This chump offered absolutely no incentive to become a bike courier, and major incentive for ridiculing him and his system in blogpost form.

Firstly, Wikipedia's article on bike couriers describes a common romantic perspective of the job amongst people and this perspective is what gives a difficult and dangerous job its popularity. There are no shortage of bike couriers. I...no..my unnamed Raccoonist associate fell prey to this romantic notion and chose to apply.

assumptions about bike couriering 1) - they are well paid for what is clearly a physically demanding, and potentially dangerous vocation. - this is false - at Quick Messenger Service we are self employed, independant contractors - now the joker who interviewed me tried to make it sound like this was great because they wouldn't take anything off my paycheque (things like income tax, and UI) - obviously what he thought sounded like a little extra spice to get our Raccoonist into the job sounded extremely disadvantageous to our hero and we're clearly 'independant contractors' so he wouldn't have to pay us a wage. Quick Messenger couriers are paid out of commission on the packages they deliver, which means embarassing and vulgar competition with other couriers over packages to make what could amount to less than living expenses. President said I would be making between 1,000 and 1,200 a month which is about minimum wage, for an extremely demanding job - he also spoke of the right couriers have to deduce from income tax the cost of lunch and other expenses, he spoke of this as though its something he's providing to his workers although this was in fact the result of a hard won legal battle fought by Toronto Bike Couriers in 1998. Anyways I'm not an idiot, I know that what I deduct from taxes isn't up to him.

Assumption 2) the job gives a great deal of freedom to those with the true grit to work at it. - well, being a bike courier might require some kind of grit, true or otherwise, but freedom is not a significant part of the job. Sure, you get to bike around and that can FEEL like freedom at certain moments but its a full time job, 8am to 5pm of constant biking to deliver stupid packages to people with the pressure on to continue in perpetuity because theres no hourly wage. Self Employed Independant Contractor my ass!

Assumption 3) there is some system in place to assist someone who is injured....because its dangerous - no, not with Quick Messenger Service. Couriers are self-employed and therefore have no one to rely on for help except themselves if they're hurt. So therefore there is pressure to work during a time of injury, otherwise the inevitably dire financial situation of a bike courier could unravel with the time missed. Of course when I asked the stupid president what happens when someone gets hurt he replied around the question in two immensely transparant ways. A) he said something like "well...knock wood, lets hope it doesn't happen." (lets hope knocking wood saves lives first, I have a feeling it doesn't) and B) he invented a hypothetical situation which was fairly mild in its severity - a courier hurts his leg but its not so bad that he doesn't miss any work...good for him. At this point in the interview the Raccoonist felt pretty sure that the guy was an insufferable dickweed and he was not going to work for him, so he didn't persue an argument where the hypothetical situation was significantly worse for the rider.

Assumption 4) aside from my bicycle, necessary equipment would be provided. Err...this isn't really an assumption because I figured I had to provide my own bag BUT get this, for every pay period (every two weeks) $48 is deducted by the company because they forcibly rent each courier a pager device. So from already small monthly earnings almost $100 is extorted for something that our Raccoonist would not have any use for outside of work. This is again a byproduct of the Independant Contractor scam, where because the courier is an outsider to the company, they cannot just be given company equipment but rather borrow it at a cost which amounts to a significant personal detriment. And this aside from the fact that the couriers work full time for them and because they're a couriering company, actually do the work central to the company's buisness scheme.

Anyways, anything written here is the result of experience with Quick Messenger Service, maybe there's some other service hiring bike couriers in Ottawa that's really great. Something has to account for why I see "rebellious" punk types acting in this position of exagerrated servitude.

If this is "just the way it is" for bike couriers then fine, be a bike courier, we don't care but we're not going along with it.

Urban Weirdness

Raccoonists are strongly in favour of all the traditions of urban exploration. We are theoretical supporters of geocachers, geomancers, drainers and urban subterraneans, Situationists and Derivists and so forth. We have experimented with a number of these traditions and we find merit in all of them. We find that exploring certain terrains yeilds little to experience other than a brief thrill of tresspass and danger (despite the depreciatory tone I might be conveying...such thrills are awesome and worth persuing, regardless of their brevity!)so we have moved past wandering buildings and abandoned train tunnels to explore the recesses and zones of neglect of the city's overground. Example: two raccoonists have recently ventured to Lock 13 of the Rideau Canal system which is located on the Rideau River five kilometers south of the Locks at Hogs Back (the southernmost locks of the Canal running through central Ottawa). We spent around 40 minutes at this location without anyone else coming by - contrast this against the three lock locations of the central Canal (Hogs Back, Experimental Farm/Carleton University, and Ottawa River) which are frequented constantly.

Here's some pictures from that site:







Also the Locks are on the other side of the Rideau River to the Ottawa Airport airfield and it's a nice location to watch planes take off from

Anyways, us Raccoonists are not interested in just going out to picturesque but unappreciated urban spaces, we are also searching for the city's underlying weirdness. In the past Raccoonists have searched the city's wooded areas to find hobo encampments, weirdly repeated graffiti, odd isolated art, and sites of ritual.

Here is an example of a bizarre ritual site found in a wooded part of Ottawa









I think the words on the above image were written in excrement, nearby were wadded up pieces of toilet paper with brown smears on them



Weird huh? This is the kind of stuff we look for

So in conclusion we support all activities which comprise both a physical and intellectual engagement with the urban space. And we denounce driving, jogging and chronic use of cellular phones, because they deny such an engagement with the city...plus they're stupid.

Raccoonist Etiquette

At the last raccoonist dinner, the assembled raccoonists discussed several topics of etiquette. As a followup, Grover Snidely sent me a letter by advice columnist Social Grace on how to handle friends who won't shut up about burning man. One suggestion was:

You could also tell a little white lie (a forgivable one, since you're saving
your sensitive, well-intentioned friends from droning on tiresomely): "I intend
to go to Burning Man one of these years, so please don't give me preconceived
notions. I want to see it with fresh eyes."

You can read the full letter here: http://www.sfweekly.com/2004-09-29/dining/just-shut-up/

I strongly disagree with this advice. For one, the reason why people won’t shut up about burning man is because no one tells them to shut up about burning man. Burning man isn’t like most events. By conceit, it is an event that makes people think that they’re something special for having been. People who have gone often think they’ve experienced a profound enlightenment. This is probably because the people who go to burning man have no other significant experience in their lives. They feel the need to proselytize about the experience to others. It’s exactly the same as when evangelicals talk about being saved and is arguably more annoying. No white lie or gentle manipulation will stop this. Only direct confrontation will (see below).

There’s a more subtle reason for this. We need our friends to have a moderating influence on us. If I was going to do something crazy, like join the army or go to burning man, I would expect my friends to try to talk me out of it and even say that if I were to follow through on that decision, they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. You shouldn’t want to offend or insult your friends. Subtlety and tact are important in the day to day conduct of any friendship. That being said, we need our friends to keep us from our most base and misguided impulses. Going to burning man and talking about it incessantly is that kind of impulse. You have an obligation to tell your friends this. I suggest these responses:

“Your stories about burning man are profoundly uninteresting.”

“I can totally relate to your stories about burning man. It's just like the time when I was stuck listening to some pretentious hippies. That time is now.”

“I would go to burning man if I were allowed to hunt guys with ponytails for sport.”

Fun Tips For Fun At Protests

Are you tired of the plain old run-of-the-mill stomp and holler protest? Looking for a little excitement, something new and refreshing to do with your spare time, yet still in the protest theme? Well there may be a quick and easy solution for you that can increase your level of enjoyment at protests by up to 500%!!!! And it’s a great way of meeting babes!

Just follow any of these simple measures, and see the instant results for youself:

-Create protest signs which promote nonsense slogans, such as “Blorx before Morx” “Don’t wait, Smarf now!” and the ever popular “Globulons are amongst us!”

-Any other slogan that detracts from the serious attitude of the event is good as well. “Grunt your approval!” “Eat your children” “Don’t be a flea” “Home cooked meals $8.99!” and “We are all bees” are just a few of the infinite possibilities offered. Also signs that are blank or are only a stick work in a similar fashion (see above image).

-Yell out requests for song titles.

-Try and incite a mosh pit.

-Cry out encouraging old timey sayings like “really hold his feet to the fire boss!” or “no bones about it Ma” or “Lets string ‘em up!”

-Forming an independent counter protest group on your own that proclaims the opposite to whatever is put forth by the larger group, preferably calling them wrong or liars in the process.

-Being obnoxious in general

There are many more possibilities out there, as these are just a few ideas. Some protests can be fun, but most of them are more or less generic. An ever popular and boreing protest topic is that of Tuition fees for students, who are expected to protest but might not have anything they really care about. Also, it is an excellent venue for this type of Raccoonist activity. The above image was taken at one such rally, with a known Raccoonist in the foreground hard at work.

Keep it up my brothers!

Communications from Facebook

This was posted by Kris Lehman on the Facebook group called Support Canadian Soldiers
at 9:06AM on April 2
----

I read this from a friend of mine in the Cadets, but i dont exactly remember the whole thing.
One day a soldier, having just completed his tour of duty, decided to attend a local college. he entered a classroom where the prof was speaking about the futilities of war. As he was condemning the war somebody said "well maybe war has something to do with religion."
At this the prof said "God, I am going to stand here until you give me a sign that you had influence in this war". He stood there for ten minutes and nobody said anything. Suddenly the soldier got up, punched the prof in the face and said
"God couldn't give you a sign, he was too busy protecting our soldiers so assholes like you could speak freely"


---
This is a bizarre story that negates itself for the following reasons: First it reinforces the stereotype that soldiers are violent morons. Also the professor did not speak freely, he was brutally punished for what he said by the soldier (who is a violent moron) which then negates the idea that the soldiers are fighting for people to be able to speak freely since the soldier in the story denies that particular right to the professor – therefore soldiers are NOT fighting for freedom. This fake pro-war anecdote in fact extends a darker view of soldiers than most anti-war activists would likely be willing to construct. The soldier not only participates in brutality in foreign countries but also acts as a violent one-man vigilante army against critics at home, and he acts in that idiotic capacity while repeating mindless rhetoric which is obviously diametrically opposed to his actions. Way to make a point!

Raccoons don't need a lot of words

The main character of the Da Vinci Code is a professor of symbology
There’s no such thing
The study of symbols is called semiotics
Pop culture is propaganda for ignorance