Raccoonism

Celebrity Smackdown continued

2007-10-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of a previous series of posts of the same title posted on October 5th.

Her story is long and meandering, but in summery she is going to Africa to look at starving people. This one actually got through her defenses, and was posted... victory!

Dearest Chantal, I can relate to your need to go to Africa. Whenever I see those donation programs on tv about starving children my heart literally bursts out of my chest and lunges across the room with great sickening flops towards the TV set in a vein attempt to help them. Needless to say I never watch those shows anymore, as it hurts a lot and I have to be quick in grabbing hold of the slippery bugger and reattaching everything.
But this is not about me, its about the kids, the ones who matter. I was reading your post when I was struck with an idea, why not go to Africa yourself? I think it would really help out your opinion polls (which have been suffering do to that blueberry pie scandal) and it would cheer up those little kiddies to hear your soulful wailing with acoustic accompaniment, I know it works for me! Anyway, give it some thought, good luck with everything, and remember that it isn't the destination that matters... it's the journey.

DG

Posted by Doug Glassman on Friday, October 05, 2007 at 10:05
[Reply to this]

Poetic License to Kill

2007-09-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

Man walks down the street,

In his flip flops and baseball cap.

His shorts are swell and his shirt is striped,

He knows it will be a good day.

A cell phone rings to the tune of “Sweet home Alabama”

“That must be brad”, he thinks.

“HEY DUDE, YEAH I WAS SOOO DRUNK!”

HAHAHAHAHAHA he laughs.

Doesn’t see the band of baboons waiting for him at the corner,

And walks directly into their midst.

The circle closes,

“Hold on bro… ok dudes, what’s the deal-e-o here-“

Shrieking and hooting, a single scream, and a sickening crunch,

Furry arms reach in and down and come back with hunks of flesh and intestine.

Blood splatter and a pair of perfectly good flip flops are all that’s left.

Twelve happy baboons continue with their day.

The END

Hockey is So Cool

2007-06-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

The raccoonist headquarters are located in downtown Ottawa - home of noble and respectable things such as BeaverTail pastries and hockey pride.

Because of this, the raccoonists have decided to contribute to the recent hockey mania that abounds amid hockey playoff season and the very exciting Senators versus Ducks rivalry by adding a sports column to our already awesome blog. Our sports commentary will naturally outshine that of all the current newscasters and sports writers...so prepare yourselves Sens fans! Things just got way more hockey-y around here, as the raccoons have donned their jerseys and hockey hats. Also, we are waving sticks around in the air. (That's something you sports guys do, right?)
Oh, and we're drunk.
Anyway, here's the breakdown on the super exciting game last night (game ummmm three) in the series:

So Burt Murpheyson grabbed the puck and smashed his stick into the net. Then a bunch of guys playing on the back line hurled a shot into the goalfield, followed by a very exciting block and serve by the star player (and town hottie) Barney Binkers. The crowds went crazy, and the half-time whistle blew, just as the goal-master announced, "Nobody likes a shut-out!" Amen to that, eh? Heff Skateston did some swishy stuff on the ice with his stick and then slid and stopped really fast and made that screechy sound. Then he head-butted Murpheyson and stole his stick and threw it to O'Connor. So then things got back to skating around for a while, and in the end there was some really great stick stuff and some pretty decent puck chucking. And aside from the shut-out, it was a real lip-biter of a game. Too bad about Bingo Jefferstein missing that basket shot! I think we're all a little sick about that one.

Stay tuned for more riveting sports updates live, as the exciting hockey finals continue.
GO SENS GO!

Raccoonism Public Forum

2007-05-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Civic discussion is essential for the health of a community. To this end, Raccoonism will be hosting public debates about current issues.

One of the most pressing issues of our day is what is and isn't cool. People have vastly different views on coolness. One of the greatest divides exists between grumpy old men and hip young vandals. Today's debate presents these two viewpoints:

Graffiti Isn’t Cool by Randal Warner

On my way to Church last Sunday, I noticed several mail boxes had been spray painted with the letters “FP.” I discussed this matter with my bridge club on Tuesday and Agnus McLarby told me that there was similar graffiti near her house as well, so it seems as though the Glebe has been covered end to end with this garbage. So many young people have grown up without having any responsibilities, they feel entitled to spend all their time going to parties, vandalizing other people’s things, and smoking drugs. If anyone knows who FP is, please tell him that graffiti isn’t cool and he should be ashamed of himself for vandalizing taxpayers’ property.

Graffiti is Totally Cool by FP

Writing graffiti and taggin is totally sick, yo! Nothin’s more rad than laying down tags with my Boyz! Last Saturday we did some mad taggin’… we must have bombed the whole Glebe, yo. Me, Matty J and my boy K-Ron got jobs testing X-Box games, so things are pretty chill and we have coin for rusto and markers. Plus, K-Ron got sponsored for his BMX riding so he gets comped with all sorts of cool shit. Taggin’s sweet, but we do other cool stuff too. Most nights we spend a few hours doing tricks on our boards and smoke a couple of dubbies before we start taggin. We do that shit for a few hours then we hit a club around 2 and find some honeys to bring back to our crib. I’m not saying we do this every night… we’re usually pretty burnt by Sunday, so Monday and Tuesday we just chill. But yeah, graffiti’s SO cool.

World of Games

2007-05-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

The Raccoonists enjoy games, and in particular we enjoy games which concievably have no end or winner, and are played purely for their own sake and the enjoyment of the players. We also like interesting things being done with urban spaces. Recently in the neighborhood of some figures of the Raccoonist movement some children had produced this hopscotch game which winds around an entire residential block. The game is composed of a little over 2000 squares and ends with a slight overlap with the game's first few squares. This game is potentially a hopscotch loop where one turn can go on forever if its players ignore the traditional rules of hopscotch (which, as well all know, is a pretty boring game under normal circumstances).

Anyways, we admire the endurance and imagination of the creators and players of this version of hopscotch. Kudos

now heres some pictures of the game

Raccoonist Psycholinguistics

2007-04-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

Raccoonists are experts in psycholinguists. To a member, we are intimately familiar with Noam Chomsky's theories about propaganda in the media. So when a we see a news item, we don't see it at face value, we deconstruct it.

Today, American president George Bush hosted Malaria Awareness day. http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/nation/ny-usbush0426,0,3612823.story?coll=ny-leadnationalnews-headlines

Pay special attention to the video.

Why did the most powerful man in the free world make himself look completely ridiculous in public? Did he think to himself "Michael Moore is going to make a few more movies about how bad I am, so I'd better make sure there are some funny videos for him to put in." Plausible, but unlikely.

The true reason is the same reason why someone who's committed a crime intentionally acts crazy. They can avoid being held accountable for their crime if they lack the mental capacity to understand it. If George Bush is too stupid to have orchestrated all the crimes his administration has committed, then he can't be held accountable for them. No one really believes he decided to invade Iraq, because videos like this convince us that he's too stupid to know where Iraq is. They pulled off the same scheme with Ronald Reagan; as long as people think he's an affable moron, they don't hold him accountable for his crimes.

Every time someone makes a joke about how stupid George Bush is, they are unwittingly helping with the master plan to avoid responsibility. Even his harshest critics call him incompetent, rather than evil.

He may not be a genius, but he knew what he was doing. He's a bad man who's done terrible things for the worst reasons, and all the videos of him acting like an idiot won't change that.

Heed the Call

2007-04-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

A Raccoonist(s?) had recently applied for a Bike Courier job with Ottawa's alleged largest employer of bicycle couriers, Quick Messenger Services (or is it Quick Buisness Services? Both phrases appear as corperate names on their website). Anyways, for the interview I spoke with the pudgy, bland-faced quick-talkin' hardnosed stereotype of a small time buisnessman who apparently acts as president of the company. This chump offered absolutely no incentive to become a bike courier, and major incentive for ridiculing him and his system in blogpost form.

Firstly, Wikipedia's article on bike couriers describes a common romantic perspective of the job amongst people and this perspective is what gives a difficult and dangerous job its popularity. There are no shortage of bike couriers. I...no..my unnamed Raccoonist associate fell prey to this romantic notion and chose to apply.

assumptions about bike couriering 1) - they are well paid for what is clearly a physically demanding, and potentially dangerous vocation. - this is false - at Quick Messenger Service we are self employed, independant contractors - now the joker who interviewed me tried to make it sound like this was great because they wouldn't take anything off my paycheque (things like income tax, and UI) - obviously what he thought sounded like a little extra spice to get our Raccoonist into the job sounded extremely disadvantageous to our hero and we're clearly 'independant contractors' so he wouldn't have to pay us a wage. Quick Messenger couriers are paid out of commission on the packages they deliver, which means embarassing and vulgar competition with other couriers over packages to make what could amount to less than living expenses. President said I would be making between 1,000 and 1,200 a month which is about minimum wage, for an extremely demanding job - he also spoke of the right couriers have to deduce from income tax the cost of lunch and other expenses, he spoke of this as though its something he's providing to his workers although this was in fact the result of a hard won legal battle fought by Toronto Bike Couriers in 1998. Anyways I'm not an idiot, I know that what I deduct from taxes isn't up to him.

Assumption 2) the job gives a great deal of freedom to those with the true grit to work at it. - well, being a bike courier might require some kind of grit, true or otherwise, but freedom is not a significant part of the job. Sure, you get to bike around and that can FEEL like freedom at certain moments but its a full time job, 8am to 5pm of constant biking to deliver stupid packages to people with the pressure on to continue in perpetuity because theres no hourly wage. Self Employed Independant Contractor my ass!

Assumption 3) there is some system in place to assist someone who is injured....because its dangerous - no, not with Quick Messenger Service. Couriers are self-employed and therefore have no one to rely on for help except themselves if they're hurt. So therefore there is pressure to work during a time of injury, otherwise the inevitably dire financial situation of a bike courier could unravel with the time missed. Of course when I asked the stupid president what happens when someone gets hurt he replied around the question in two immensely transparant ways. A) he said something like "well...knock wood, lets hope it doesn't happen." (lets hope knocking wood saves lives first, I have a feeling it doesn't) and B) he invented a hypothetical situation which was fairly mild in its severity - a courier hurts his leg but its not so bad that he doesn't miss any work...good for him. At this point in the interview the Raccoonist felt pretty sure that the guy was an insufferable dickweed and he was not going to work for him, so he didn't persue an argument where the hypothetical situation was significantly worse for the rider.

Assumption 4) aside from my bicycle, necessary equipment would be provided. Err...this isn't really an assumption because I figured I had to provide my own bag BUT get this, for every pay period (every two weeks) $48 is deducted by the company because they forcibly rent each courier a pager device. So from already small monthly earnings almost $100 is extorted for something that our Raccoonist would not have any use for outside of work. This is again a byproduct of the Independant Contractor scam, where because the courier is an outsider to the company, they cannot just be given company equipment but rather borrow it at a cost which amounts to a significant personal detriment. And this aside from the fact that the couriers work full time for them and because they're a couriering company, actually do the work central to the company's buisness scheme.

Anyways, anything written here is the result of experience with Quick Messenger Service, maybe there's some other service hiring bike couriers in Ottawa that's really great. Something has to account for why I see "rebellious" punk types acting in this position of exagerrated servitude.

If this is "just the way it is" for bike couriers then fine, be a bike courier, we don't care but we're not going along with it.

Urban Weirdness

2007-04-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

Raccoonists are strongly in favour of all the traditions of urban exploration. We are theoretical supporters of geocachers, geomancers, drainers and urban subterraneans, Situationists and Derivists and so forth. We have experimented with a number of these traditions and we find merit in all of them. We find that exploring certain terrains yeilds little to experience other than a brief thrill of tresspass and danger (despite the depreciatory tone I might be conveying...such thrills are awesome and worth persuing, regardless of their brevity!)so we have moved past wandering buildings and abandoned train tunnels to explore the recesses and zones of neglect of the city's overground. Example: two raccoonists have recently ventured to Lock 13 of the Rideau Canal system which is located on the Rideau River five kilometers south of the Locks at Hogs Back (the southernmost locks of the Canal running through central Ottawa). We spent around 40 minutes at this location without anyone else coming by - contrast this against the three lock locations of the central Canal (Hogs Back, Experimental Farm/Carleton University, and Ottawa River) which are frequented constantly.

Here's some pictures from that site:

Also the Locks are on the other side of the Rideau River to the Ottawa Airport airfield and it's a nice location to watch planes take off from

Anyways, us Raccoonists are not interested in just going out to picturesque but unappreciated urban spaces, we are also searching for the city's underlying weirdness. In the past Raccoonists have searched the city's wooded areas to find hobo encampments, weirdly repeated graffiti, odd isolated art, and sites of ritual.

Here is an example of a bizarre ritual site found in a wooded part of Ottawa

I think the words on the above image were written in excrement, nearby were wadded up pieces of toilet paper with brown smears on them

Weird huh? This is the kind of stuff we look for

So in conclusion we support all activities which comprise both a physical and intellectual engagement with the urban space. And we denounce driving, jogging and chronic use of cellular phones, because they deny such an engagement with the city...plus they're stupid.

Raccoonist Etiquette

2007-04-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

At the last raccoonist dinner, the assembled raccoonists discussed several topics of etiquette. As a followup, Grover Snidely sent me a letter by advice columnist Social Grace on how to handle friends who won't shut up about burning man. One suggestion was:

You could also tell a little white lie (a forgivable one, since you're saving
your sensitive, well-intentioned friends from droning on tiresomely): "I intend
to go to Burning Man one of these years, so please don't give me preconceived
notions. I want to see it with fresh eyes."
You can read the full letter here: http://www.sfweekly.com/2004-09-29/dining/just-shut-up/

I strongly disagree with this advice. For one, the reason why people won’t shut up about burning man is because no one tells them to shut up about burning man. Burning man isn’t like most events. By conceit, it is an event that makes people think that they’re something special for having been. People who have gone often think they’ve experienced a profound enlightenment. This is probably because the people who go to burning man have no other significant experience in their lives. They feel the need to proselytize about the experience to others. It’s exactly the same as when evangelicals talk about being saved and is arguably more annoying. No white lie or gentle manipulation will stop this. Only direct confrontation will (see below).

There’s a more subtle reason for this. We need our friends to have a moderating influence on us. If I was going to do something crazy, like join the army or go to burning man, I would expect my friends to try to talk me out of it and even say that if I were to follow through on that decision, they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. You shouldn’t want to offend or insult your friends. Subtlety and tact are important in the day to day conduct of any friendship. That being said, we need our friends to keep us from our most base and misguided impulses. Going to burning man and talking about it incessantly is that kind of impulse. You have an obligation to tell your friends this. I suggest these responses:

“Your stories about burning man are profoundly uninteresting.”

“I can totally relate to your stories about burning man. It's just like the time when I was stuck listening to some pretentious hippies. That time is now.”

“I would go to burning man if I were allowed to hunt guys with ponytails for sport.”

Fun Tips For Fun At Protests

2007-04-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of the plain old run-of-the-mill stomp and holler protest? Looking for a little excitement, something new and refreshing to do with your spare time, yet still in the protest theme? Well there may be a quick and easy solution for you that can increase your level of enjoyment at protests by up to 500%!!!! And it’s a great way of meeting babes!

Just follow any of these simple measures, and see the instant results for youself:

-Create protest signs which promote nonsense slogans, such as “Blorx before Morx” “Don’t wait, Smarf now!” and the ever popular “Globulons are amongst us!”

-Any other slogan that detracts from the serious attitude of the event is good as well. “Grunt your approval!” “Eat your children” “Don’t be a flea” “Home cooked meals $8.99!” and “We are all bees” are just a few of the infinite possibilities offered. Also signs that are blank or are only a stick work in a similar fashion (see above image).

-Yell out requests for song titles.

-Try and incite a mosh pit.

-Cry out encouraging old timey sayings like “really hold his feet to the fire boss!” or “no bones about it Ma” or “Lets string ‘em up!”

-Forming an independent counter protest group on your own that proclaims the opposite to whatever is put forth by the larger group, preferably calling them wrong or liars in the process.

-Being obnoxious in general

There are many more possibilities out there, as these are just a few ideas. Some protests can be fun, but most of them are more or less generic. An ever popular and boreing protest topic is that of Tuition fees for students, who are expected to protest but might not have anything they really care about. Also, it is an excellent venue for this type of Raccoonist activity. The above image was taken at one such rally, with a known Raccoonist in the foreground hard at work.

Keep it up my brothers!

Communications from Facebook

2007-04-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

This was posted by Kris Lehman on the Facebook group called Support Canadian Soldiers
at 9:06AM on April 2
----

I read this from a friend of mine in the Cadets, but i dont exactly remember the whole thing.
One day a soldier, having just completed his tour of duty, decided to attend a local college. he entered a classroom where the prof was speaking about the futilities of war. As he was condemning the war somebody said "well maybe war has something to do with religion."
At this the prof said "God, I am going to stand here until you give me a sign that you had influence in this war". He stood there for ten minutes and nobody said anything. Suddenly the soldier got up, punched the prof in the face and said
"God couldn't give you a sign, he was too busy protecting our soldiers so assholes like you could speak freely"

---
This is a bizarre story that negates itself for the following reasons: First it reinforces the stereotype that soldiers are violent morons. Also the professor did not speak freely, he was brutally punished for what he said by the soldier (who is a violent moron) which then negates the idea that the soldiers are fighting for people to be able to speak freely since the soldier in the story denies that particular right to the professor – therefore soldiers are NOT fighting for freedom. This fake pro-war anecdote in fact extends a darker view of soldiers than most anti-war activists would likely be willing to construct. The soldier not only participates in brutality in foreign countries but also acts as a violent one-man vigilante army against critics at home, and he acts in that idiotic capacity while repeating mindless rhetoric which is obviously diametrically opposed to his actions. Way to make a point!

Raccoons don't need a lot of words

2007-04-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

The main character of the Da Vinci Code is a professor of symbology
There’s no such thing
The study of symbols is called semiotics
Pop culture is propaganda for ignorance

Wikipedia Vandal Watch: 02

2007-03-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

I recently looked up the French artist Daniel Spoerri on Wikipedia, here is what information I could gather on the artist at approximately 9:43am, March 28, 2007.

Daniel Spoerri is very talented at playing the banjo. he likes to strum things and fix them with oil. He also likes to blow and finger........ his bag pipes that is. Without his banjo and his bag pipes Daniel likes to play soggy biscuit with another famous musician - Mozart. Mozart always wins as Daniel does not specialise in this.

Raccoons are the Original Pirates

2007-03-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

Most movies are terrible. People shouldn't waste their time watching them. Nonetheless, there is the occasional thing on DVD that’s worth watching, and if it’s worth watching once, it’s probably worth having a copy in case something happens to the original. Experienced raccoonists are prepared for anything, including loss or damage of their DVD collection.

That brings us to the topic of copying DVDs. DVD writing drives come with most new computers or can be purchased for a modest amount. Blank DVDs are now commonly available and typically cost about $2. Cost effective! There are two competing formats of writable DVDs, DVD+R and DVD-R. For the time being you probably want to use DVD-R, as this is compatible with older DVD players.

Unfortunately, most computers don’t come with software that can copy the contents from a DVD. I’m not sure exactly why this is. Fortunately, several excellent programs for this purpose can be found on the internet. DVD Decrypter is an excellent program that will copy the contents of a DVD to your hard disk. The simplest way to do this is to save the ISO the DVD, which can then be burnt to DVD simply. This makes a copy of the entire contents of the DVD into a file on the hard drive. Alternatively, you can copy the individual files from the DVD to a folder on your hard drive. This is useful if you have to modify the contents of the disk.

Once you have the ISO, many programs such as Roxio or Nero can burn this ISO to one or many writable DVDs.

The typical $2 writable DVDs can store up to 4.7 GB of data, which corresponds to about two hours of video. Longer movies are typically stored on dual layer DVDs, which can store up to 8.5 GB of data. There are a handful of solutions to this. If your DVD burner can burn dual layer DVDs (you can find this out from the website of the manufacturer of your DVD burner), you can buy writable dual layer DVDs and simply burn the larger ISOs to them. The problem with this is that these typically cost 4 times more than single layers DVDs.

Another solution is to shrink the size of DVDs to fit on a single disk. Most commercial DVD burning programs will do this automatically by compressing the video, which is generally ok, but it reduces the picture quality.

DVD Shrink is a program designed to shrink the space needed to store the DVD’s data. It can compress video to fit on shorter disks, but you can also use it to remove useless stuff, like those commercials at the start of a disc or FBI warnings. Simply use DVD Decrypter to copy the files from the DVD to a folder on your hard drive and use DVD shrink to eliminate the stuff you don’t want. This will let you bring the length of the DVD down to the size you can put on a single layer DVD.

Following this procedure, you can feel safe knowing that you’ll always have a copy of a DVD, even if the original is destroyed in the struggles or returned to the store.

An excellent website on this topic is Doom9 (http://www.doom9.org/). They deserve raccoonist praise for providing this resource and making good use of the word doom, which is an awesome word.

Raccoonist Fashion Tips

2007-03-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

Raccoonists are nothing if not on the cutting edge of fashion. Among our ranks are top-drawer fashion maverick-futurists with one finger on the pulse of the street and the other finger of their freakish two-fingered lobster-like appendages on the pulse of the fashionfuture. Our hot fashionistas look through time and space to find the fashion concepts that'll put you ahead of the herd this new season!

Our Fashion Experts - What do they SEE!?: The Soliders of Raccoonist Fashion see that we're moving into a post-fashion era. It doesn't matter what you wear, it's how you wear it! Remember that, because anyone concerned with design labels and fading fashion paradigms will be openly and publicly mocked if not treated with outright cruelty and violence in a year's time. We promise! So anyways, here are our tips for looking HOT in 2007 and beyond.

Raccoonist Tip #0: Wear the Same Clothes Every Day - This should be obvious but if you have a look that works, then work it - every single day! Repeat, do not change your clothing on a daily basis. This is an obvious and basic fashion rule for 2007, it's cool to wear the same thing repeatedly, remember that, and if you waste valuable time and energy selecting new clothes and changing into them every day, then you are an IDIOT! - Case Closed

Raccoonist Tip #1: Rarely wash your clothing - Again, you're saying... DUH!!! Obviously - but seriously, not washing your clothes is going to be the hottest trend for 2007, especially among the hardcore Raccoonists. Dirt, dust and stains are IN and the fashionable Raccoonists wear them proudly. Your unwashed clothing becomes a record of your experiences, and this sort of fashion concept is an important but low-tech equivalent to camera-phones and online diaries. Enjoy yourself!@

Raccoonist Tip #2: Don't replace torn clothing - keep wearin' it we say! This is definately going to be huge in the coming years! Tears, holes and shredded fabrics are already making waves on the streets of all the cities that get listed as important fashion places! Go for it!

Raccoonist Tip #3: dress in layers - why wear one big stupid looking winter coat when you can put on two t-shirts, two sweaters, a hooded sweatshirt and a spring jacket? The fact is, a big bulky coat looks horrible and reduces your mobility when your with your mates on a mischief-run, five or six layers may sound bulkier but once you get moving they all function as one, so you'll increase your mobility by 93% AND you'll look great!

So anyways, those are the Raccoonist fashion tips, you can tell who doesn't follow these tips because they look horrible. The End

Grief Counselling the Racoonist Way

2007-03-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

Most of you are probably familiar with the Racoonist organization as a source of in depth analysis of current events or as a group of important political thinkers. While this is true, people often overlook the important public services that we perform. Grief counselling is one of these services.

As a Racoonist, I've come to terms with death. Most people aren't so lucky, so if someone close to them commits suicide, they may need help with their grieving process. The best way to help someone in this situation is to make them a mix CD. The following is a playlist of a mix CD that I've compiled just in case I need to council someone who has lost a friend or loved one to suicide. As it turns out, most bands have written at least one song about suicide. Especially wimpy bands, like Pink Floyd, have written many. We can use this music to heal people.

As always, Wikipedia was a big help, although you shouldn't limit yourself to this list when making your own CD (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_songs_about_suicide).

"Adam's Song" by blink-182
"It'll Be O.K." by Limp Bizkit
“Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
“Stan" by Eminem
"Goodbye Cruel World" by Pink Floyd
“Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin
“Knocking on Heaven’s Door” by Bob Dylan
"Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.
"Wave of Mutilation" by The Pixies
"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult
“1-800-SUICIDE” by Gravediggaz
"Any Way You Want It" by Journey
"U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer
“Wipe Out” by The Beach Boys

I haven't had occasion to use it yet, but I keep a couple of copies handy at all times, just in case. I strongly recommend everyone reading this do the same, so if anyone ever says "My best friend just killed himself," you can say "I have the perfect mix CD for you!"

Stickin' it to the Man

2007-02-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

Vandalism is something that everyone enjoys and loves. It's a way of claiming ownership of random things, ie. "This table is mine" or "Back off! This is MY wall!" It's always best to take a hostile position, perhaps calling people things like a goblin, a horseface, a gerbil or a baboon. Or, get even more creative! How about calling someone a spork-pidgled lemon? Or, even a groanst?

Raccoons have recently discovered a highly effective way of producing attractive and snappy vandalism in a quick, easy-to-carry-around form. By purchasing a pack of blank "sticker sheets" from your local office supply store, you can construct your own snarky comments paired with hilarious drawings to post on objects, walls and windows everywhere you go. Drawn with permanent marker and armed with a super-sticky adhesive backing, these stickers have lasted for months outdoors! Even when some jerk tries to scrape them off (no easy task, I promise) you can bask in the satisfaction of knowing that you successfully bothered someone and made their day a little more annoying (or, blannoying, as we Raccoons say).
The ideal targets are the morally elevated ones - the children, the mothers, the veterans, the hospitals, the sick and dying, and so forth. These will make your best targets of witty vandalism stickers because everyone will be upset.

Here are some fun examples for sticker slogans:

"Hey Kids! Talk Back to Mommy!" (accompanied by drawing of child screaming something like "FUCK YOU MOM!") - Best if posted on fence of children's playground or daycare centre, where age of children is that of being able to sound out new, exciting words. Consider using bright colour and images of toys to attract the eyesight of small children.

Someone's gottta take a stand

Those are just a few suggestions. Another good idea is to use the sticker sheets to print out corporate logos such as that of Canada Post (available for some strange reason on the internet...presumably for the purpose of creating vandalism), and create official looking messages that say things like, "This mailbox no longer accepts mail". This clearly opens a world of exciting possibilities.

One final point for this Raccoonist venture: things are funnier when you can watch people reacting negatively to your handiwork. So linger about. Perhaps you will get lucky and witness a group of centarian veterans approaching your sticker that proclaims, "Veterans? More like Schpleterans!" Enjoy.

Raccoonist Kids Korner

2007-02-09T15:46:00.000-08:00

The Raccoonists have a fun new
winter activity! Throwing snow at this stupid statue.

We don't do it because we hate vainglorious public monuments (although we do hate them), we pelt this monstrosity with snow because it looks cool when it's struck.
Also hitting it with a chunk of ice produces a nice sound. And it's a great alternative to throwing ice and snow at your loved ones! AND aiming at particular parts of the statue(the face) is a great way to improve hand-eye coordination.

In conclusion we strongly encourage people to throw snow at idiotic public monuments.
It's fun, easy, and a great way to keep fit.

The Smash

2007-02-05T20:15:00.001-08:00

Without making generalizations that characterize everyone on the planet, it is fairly evident that a significant portion of the population is possessed by an unfounded arrogance that drives them to ignore their minor obligations to the people around them. This is evident when one witnesses people selfishly consuming common space that is essential to the mobility of others. For example, you may find yourself on a sidewalk with a number of people walking towards you in a lateral formation. They don't seem to make space for you because that would disrupt their own dynamic (whether said dynamic is formed by an ongoing conversation or some sort of longstanding hierarchy amongst friends) and they march forward with placid expressions, refusing to make space. Possibly you are trying to enter a building through an entrance way blocked by some statue of a human holding an insipid conversation with someone while they stand half-alive under the arch of the doorway. Emily Post's putrid cadaver advises us to politely wait for these people to move from our path (which, under these circumstances is the only path, and it's completely blocked) and express your moral indignation with a disapproving glance at the inconsiderate as they finally pass by or through you. Raccoonists have a different set of tactics for dealing with such arrogance.

Behaviour such as that mentioned above should be corrected - with extreme prejudice, by anyone who observes it and identifies it as wrong! This is Raccoonist policy! We will not stand by in a vacant pose waiting for some airhead to finish their conversation so we can pass once they notice people are waiting. We will not scramble around into the street traffic while a line of idiots staring into their cell-phone screens advances on us without noticing our presence. These people, of course have a right to some of the sidewalk or to pass through a doorway, but to occupy the entire space of the sidewalk or doorway - or other spaces considered common to all, without respecting others use of such space, is pure arrogance. This is why in certain situations Racconists smash people out of their way. We extend our elbows outwards while walking as a signal to the oncoming menace that we will assert our right to use the common space. We will not press ourselves against the edge for the benefit of an inconsiderate mass of shambling zombies.

Yes! We have caused discomfort, embarrassment, pain! It is necessary for us to bash others with our elbows and backpacks, otherwise we will have to bear the shame of yielding what meager space we occupy to...jerks! We do not deliberately get into the path of people to strike them, we wait until our space is encroached upon, and then we do what we must to protect it. We've knocked cell-phones and cigarettes from people's hands and we don't care! Whoever is struck deserves it! We know the law! That law is RACCOONISM!

Celebrity Smackdown

2007-02-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the modern trends which are developing globally over the internet, namely online networks such as Myspace, we are now able to gain access to people we would never normally meet. This proves exceedingly useful when harassing people. Also, there are many celebrity musicians who use Myspace (for it's originally intended use). While in reality these people would be difficult to approach, on myspace they are put on a more or less level playing field as the rest of the "jerks", as they are frequently referred to.

Thus, even the lowliest urchin can insult or suck up to these celebrity icons. Often they will not respond unless it is positive, but occasionally you would be surprised at the responses you will get.

Below is an ongoing conversation between the Raccoons and a Canadian Pop Star named Chantal Kreviazuk.

Chantal---
I never knew....thank God that PINK uses her voice in more ways than one.
Current mood:nauseated
Category: upset and disturbed
I always thought that I was safe wearing sheeps wool....that no one got "hurt..." I thought that it was so much better than wearing leather, or god forbid, fur.
This is a very important statemtent by Pink, and I applaud her for bringing a voice to innocent animals who cannot speak for themselves.
Please go to this link, and educate yourself as I was educated tonight.
http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/pink_wool_video?source=stspinkblogadgossip&c=stspinkblogadgossip
Let's truly bring some "peace" to the world this holiday season.

Raccoons---
"Yeah, thanks for bringing this up Channy! You are a doll.
On another note, there was a study done recently that said that most of the cotton we get is actually made from ground up orphanes and big eyed puppies produced in soot spewing factories run by brawny Russian capitalist pigs.
Your life is not a complete joke, don't listen to the critics! Keep on whining!
--The Raccoon society

Chantal---
I guess this is meant to be mean spirited and hurtful?
If so, that is sad that you actually took the time to make a page so to have an outlet for your jealousy and bitterness.
I wish you happiness at some point - life is so short and incredible, do try to find the beauty. It is simply about accepting your lot in life.
best
chantal k

Chantal---

Surrounded with a story...
As many of you may or may not know, my song Surrounded which I wrote for my first album was written about the loss of a a young man named Samuel, whom I treasure. He was just 20 years old when he died and the circumstances of his death were very tragic and disturbing. I have had maybe three or four vivid dreams since his death 15 years ago and this morning was one of those times.

He came to me in my dream at peace with himself and I woke up feeling almost as if he had truly come to tell me that everything was alright with him now. Of course while walking downstairs for my morning coffee I reconciled with the fact that this was all mathematics and physics and that somehow my brain decided to manifest my subconscious mind at that moment via the dream. While my coffee was percolating, I opened my iBook and clicked on my first email and it was a link to this video which you also can watch, a choral choir singing my song about Samuel. I guess it wasn't math after all. Thanks for the visit Samuel, it was good to spend time with you again.

Raccoons---
"Channy, when I read your story my eyeballs swelled to the size of oranges with tears (I have a rare medical condition which causes this to happen whenever I cry). It is amazing how the spirits of the past are able to act so directly in our lives, like sending emails. Truly incredible. Your story is an inspiration to everyone down here at the shelter, especially the little ones, in particular the ones with high fevers. As we lie together in our communal bed of rags and filth, the only thing which gives us reason to keep living is the thought of hearing your next big single. Sincerely, your eteranal admirers."

Chantal---
you're just so pissed off.
Sorry that things are not working out for you.
best
ck

Chantal---
glad to see you have 3 friends!!!
errr, one of them is you?
Don't worry!!!!
The species will take note eventually...with such a rockin sense of humour!! You are sure to be a "hit" amongst many!
best
ck

Response-Raccoons

Thanks for noticing my stunning sense of humour, my only real fault is being so darn good at everything. But I'm sure you can look past that. Also I'm glad your glad I have 3 friends. I may just be a simple country raccoon, but I can tell an attemped swipe at my honour when I see it. So I took a peek at your friends list, and the vast majority of them don't have you in their top 8 places, where as every single one of my friends has me on theirs. I doubt most of your "friends" have even met or talked to you. I think YOU are just jealous of me, and my great looks. For that I pity you.
Best
DG

P.S. I love your music

As you can see, this is a lot of fun.

Links for This Week

2007-02-04T06:13:00.000-08:00

01 Important Terms for Transhumanists and Futurists (podcast)
02 Atheists are America's Most Mistrusted Minority
03 Comet Between Fireworks and Lightning
04 Lingua Franca: The Language of Airheads (podcast)
05 Architectures of Control in Design: Packet Switching
06 Wired News: Fake Holograms a 3-D Crime Wave
07 The Deadly Nature of "Non-Lethal" Weapons
08 'Fence Plowing' is Latest Teen Craze
09 Doctor Snuggles
10 Coloured Icicles in West Virginia
11 Galaxies Away
12 Mysterious Lights Over Phoenix, Again
13 Russian Fisherman Catch Squeaking Alien, and Eat It
14 Robot Exoskeleton Replaces Muscle Work
15 New Universes Will be Born From Ours
16 Taller than the Eiffel Tower
17 Dr. Hau: Light and Matter
18 One Reason why Power Corrupts
19 Lunar Eclipse: March 3, 2007
20 Google Video: Jesus Camp

Name transplants

2007-02-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

As raccoons move from the woodlands to the cities, certain adaptations must be made to keep life interesting. A good way of mixing things up in everyday adventure is to tamper with place/street names. This serves several useful purposes, and it is easy!

How this technique can make life more interesting is easy to demonstrate: see how boring old First Street can become the exciting new Blurst Street or alternativly Schmerst Street or Grerst Feet.

The same principle can be applied to the stale names which are used over and over again for some of the worlds most celebrated pronouns. Eiffel Tower = Stifle Glower. Ronal Reagan = Spronald Spreygan. New York = Stew Pork (The Pig Chapple). And Pope = Dope.

This can be difficult to get the hang of at first, but with practice it will become an addictive habit which you can no longer control. Here are some pointers:

Use real words whenever possible as your replacements, body parts work well: Queen Elizabeth becomes Spleen Elizawiff (this not only distorts the subject, but it also implies that the queen has a flatulence problem, ideal).

Don’t be afraid to improvise and experiment, and don’t be deterred by failed attempts.

If you can’t find a good replacement word, these easy to use prefixes will work in virtually every situation: Bl- Schm- Gr- and many others. Try it out with the word bones!

Unless in the company of experienced Raccoonists, it may be recommended to use the original word or phrase in direct comparison to the alteration.

Example: person 1 “Wanna go chuck rocks?”
Person 2 “chuck rocks, or chuck clocks?”

This technique is also good for getting around conventional regulations.

Example: person 1 “Don’t forget your biohazard suit”
Person 2 “Biohazard suit schmiohazard suit, that’s what I say bitch!”

For the City of Ottawa, many of the streets have already undergone extensive renameing: Elgin-Smellgin, Bank-Wank, Laurier-Boreier, Rideau-Speedo, Sparks-Sharks, and Bronson-Splonson. Along with many stores: Zellers-Smellers, Canadian Tire-Canadian Lire, Wall Mart-Small Fart, and Loblaws-BlahBlahs.

Yes, the smorld is a blinteresting place munce glagain fanks to these snappy word transplants.

Links for Today

2007-02-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

01 In Our Time: Genghis Khan (podcast)
02 Newspapers Search for Web Headline Magic
03 Station Z (Britain: Bombproof Building in which an Emergency Government would set up when
the official government had been completely destroyed)
04 Back to the Elements - An Urban Campfire
05 'Portholes' over The Lifeway Building in Nashville Tennessee. US.
06 The Hensel Twins.

Interesting Links for Feb 2, 2007

2007-02-02T05:51:00.000-08:00

01 Lavender Oils Feminize Boys
02 Growing up in the GWOT
03Watching the clouds float by on Mars
04 Woman With Golden Arm Points to Sugical Breakthrough
05 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fanatic (video)
06 Witch Doctor Orders Death of LA Snow-Cone Man
07 Paragliding Girl Attacked by Eagles
08 Adult Swin Bomb Scare Press Conference (Video) (PRIORITY!)

Raccoonist Poem - Hohh S'iphw Tu Light

2007-01-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

Glundus fonm'z solore pain
Acip dooorn saapix again
yuxus triffig olow quos heart
hoshosh n'ighm thuftun apart
jun'x dsik wipp luunid tommorrow?
aio q'rit zazoz vytr'x sorrow

Wikipedia Vandal Watch - Ja Rule (approx 10

2007-01-21T19:36:00.001-08:00

Certain raccoonists are interested in the phenomena of wikipedia vandalism and will therefore post findings of such occurrences when discovered. We intend to only post vandalism which has been found spontaneously rather than found through searching article histories. Here is the first entry of this kind....

This vandalism was found on the Wikipedia article for the rapper Ja Rule:

un-EMPLOYED

Ja rule Lost his job on semptember 67 of 2004 because he aint got no teeth. No teeth=No cash. So there so ja rule had to become a profesinal Yugioh player but he got beat up by a 6 year old who was pist of off in the UK. Ja rule is fat joes homo sexuel partner,They says to have it evry 5 months of so. Fat joe is fat because his pregnint with ja rule baby. Ja rule real name is Ja suck.

2007-01-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

The Sheep Look Up - John Brunner - 1972

Does not have a straight narrative and it's structure bears some resemblance to JG Ballard's The Atrocity Exhibition in that it's chapters are subdivided into smaller sections which are occasionally very short. Both novels describe a fictional Earth although Ballard's was an indeterminate quasi-urban space filtered through the T-figure's anxieties and is therefore nearly incomprehensible. Brunner's world is plainly earth (primarily North America) ravaged by various ecological catastrophes.

The world in the novel is one where EVERYONE actually feels the impact of various forms of pollution. Protection is needed against rain, tap water is undrinkable, swimming is not recommended (if not outright forbidden) at beaches, masks are often used in open
air, meat from animals raised on antibiotics is unhealthy, disease and infection are ubiquitous, sonic booms from aircraft are common, children are almost never born defect-free. Doctors typically don't have children.

A charitable wing of a Major Corperation sends food to third world countries - food contaminated with an agent which induces psychosis in those who eat it. A group emerges in North America who want to eat the food themselves because they desire insanity as an escape from the world they live in. This agent is derived from the ergot fungus of fermented rye, signalling that it likely bears some similarities with LSD.

Also a group called the Trainites exist in response to this world. They live communally in wat's,
they abstain from drugs, reject cars and most forms of industry, and are well educated. They hold demonstrations and paint slogans and symbols on cars and other omnipresent symbols of disaster. The Trainites movement rejects the traditional way of life for it's intensely destructive character.

Characters lament in the novel a discrepancy between the reality of America in which they live and the image of America constructed and disseminated by mass media. Noting that they're being destroyed by their way of life while simultaneously their way of life is being exported to the third world...often by military force. Of course it is only in images that this way of life can be exported - both the Americans and Third World populations experience a daily reality that stands in opposition to the ideal. Example: The president of the United States is essentially a placid, stupid television talking head who placates the public simultaneous to his Government enacting martial law and branding critics such as the Trainites as dangerous criminals.

Major Corperations struggle to maintain a consumer friendly image while being responsible for various aspects of the overall eco-disaster that plagues Earth. Corperate forces resort to any means necessary to protect their image and interests including murdering critics. In this sense some parts of the novel read almost as actual incidents of Corperate murder found in Naomi Klein's anti-globalization text, No Logo - while No Logo provides accounts of resistance to the
progress of established powers as a signal to hope for improvement, The Sheep Look Up is simply a world which deteriorates into a state of ruin and insanity.